Equality On Trial

The vicious cycle of guilt: A post-mortem on TheCall

(Linda Liles found a good outlet to express her feelings about TheCall Sacramento — she wrote up this compelling guest post last night for the P8TT community to discuss on this beautiful Sunday. If you haven’t read Linda’s first guest post about coming out to her mother, check it out after you read her analysis below. — Eden)

By Linda Liles

In Arisha’s first installment of her coverage of the ‘TheCall’ convergence she recounted a conversation she had with a young man. In the course of the conversation she pointed out the contradiction of being pro-life and pro-death penalty; to which the young man replied, ‘Yeah it’s all mixed up. Man mixes things up.”

This quote, coupled with the general tone of the conversation made me feel a deep empathy for this man. He has been through a lot, and has accomplished a lot towards getting his life back on track; but the message I picked up from what Arisha relayed was a deep current of guilt.

Guilt.

We have a wonderful family in our community on P8TT; and among us we have representatives of many different faiths, and many denominations within those faiths. We also have those who are atheist; those who are spiritual; those who are agnostic. In short, we are all-encompassing; and I believe we are to be commended for the lengths we all go to in making sure that what we express is not critical of or offensive to others.

And most of the time we are successful in that endeavor. In sharing my perspective I have no desire to break that unwritten code of tolerance and civility. The observations I am about to make are not to be taken as criticisms of true Christianity. In fact, it offends me that our opposition is allowed to wear that identity. But having been raised in an extreme, fundamentalist Christian household I feel a need to speak to the negative impact this false Christianity can have.

And the main component of this brand of Christianity is guilt.

Guilt is mandatory. Guilt is humbling; guilt actually proves that you’ve sinned, because the guilt you feel is God convicting you of your sin. And when you feel that guilt, then you need to repent and ask for forgiveness. And this is where they take control; because from then on every time you slip up or make a mistake it is labeled as a sin; sin equals guilt, which must then lead to repentance, forgiveness, etc. etc. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps the victim permanently guilt-ridden. There is always something to feel guilty about. And with that guilt come low self-esteem, and low self-worth. That’s what I picked up on in the young man Arisha was conversing with on Friday night.

That guilt is extremely valuable to these pseudo-Christian leaders; and they know exactly how to take full advantage of it. They begin by listing all the wrongs—in the world, in this country, in the state; and then they put the blame for all those wrongs on the people who are in attendance. And they proceed to list all the wrongs of the people—wrong actions, wrong thoughts, wrong effort, wrong amount of passion for Christ, wrong level of commitment to God—it starts to get very serious at this point, and then the attendees are called on to repent of their sins, over and over; and they are pleading with God to forgive them.

And then, after all that emotional turmoil, these people are instructed to pledge their lives to serving God and righting the wrongs their previous sins caused. And this time, they are not to live as passive Christians; no! They must be warriors, on the front lines. “The line is drawn, the weapons are ready, we will not back down, we will not give in!” How many times have I heard that growing up. So of course, the exhausted, emotionally spent, guilt-ridden attendees are going to pledge to do anything; anything to keep from sinning and feeling that awful guilt again.

And then, those deceitful leaders turn from being the accusers to being the recruiters, and all of a sudden those in attendance are Godly, righteous people who will stand against……whatever, it doesn’t matter. The intent at this point is to bring home the awareness that now that they’ve repented they have the freedom to judge and condemn all those who have not repented.

And, ohhh! That feels so good! Finally the attention is off their sins and on the sins of someone else. Finally they’re the good guys; the righteous guys! The adrenaline rush is incredible now; they are ready to go into battle; they are ready to do God’s work and rid the world of the evilness of sin….as manifested in….oh, let’s see….abortion clinics, planned parenthood offices, GSA organizations, LGBT-friendly businesses, churches that perform same sex marriage ceremonies, funerals of soldiers, any candidate for political office who supports something they do not believe in…. in short, any entity that does anything that can be interpreted as contradicting God’s Absolutes.

And it all started with guilt.

When I got out from under this type of oppressive form of Christianity one of the first things I did was release myself from all the baggage I was carrying because of guilt. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to take that load of guilt off my shoulders and toss it in the trash.

I’m done feeling guilty. I freely acknowledge that I’ve made mistakes; and I am endeavoring to learn from them. But I will not carry guilt for the rest of my life because of them.

As an LGBT community we are carrying more than our share of guilt, aren’t we? And we see the effects. We see the low self-esteem; we see the self-doubt; we see the depression. But do we see how we are being manipulated by all of that? It’s that guilt that makes us wonder if we really have the right to come out. It’s that guilt that makes us question ourselves when confronted with condemning scriptures. It’s that guilt that makes us willing to live as less than equal; to hide ourselves to keep from offending others; to lie about our partners; to stay silent when someone speaks against us.

Guilt!

Can we, as a community, make a pledge to each other? Anonygrl started it here on P8TT by asking us to promise to live; Richard added to that pledge by promising to not only live, but to do all he can to help others live as well. My addition would be this: Can we all promise to forgive ourselves and release ourselves from that guilt? Let’s accept that we are living our lives the best way we know how, and let that be sufficient. Let’s look ahead with hope and enthusiasm; embracing each new day with eager anticipation. Let’s rise up out of our persecution, and claim our equality.

Life is a process; and I believe the point is to live it; and to live it as freely as possible.

An equality supporter and a volunteer for TheCall engage in a debate about the event on Saturday.

5015116 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fequalityontrial.com%2F2010%2F09%2F05%2Fthe-vicious-cycle-of-guilt-a-post-mortem-on-thecall%2FThe+vicious+cycle+of+guilt%3A+A+post-mortem+on+TheCall2010-09-05+20%3A00%3A39couragecampaignhttp%3A%2F%2Fprop8trialtracker.com%2F%3Fp%3D5015 September 5, 2010